Friday, October 15, 2010

As A Bitch, I’ve Failed.

Guess what? I’m not a bitch. Or, at least I’m not enough of a bitch.

This most recent discovery took place when a writer who found me on asked if I would ever be interested in writing for her blog The Wellness Bitch, which is about living more healthfully but presented in a (shall we say) sometimes brusque manner. I’m not really an ideal candidate for guest blogging there because I don’t live all that healthfully. But I loved the name of the site and I do have at least one “wellness” topic that I’m passionate about, so I agreed to submit a post.

Guess what? It wasn’t bitchy enough.

I had a feeling that would be the case even as I was writing it. I even tried to become a little meaner as the paragraphs unfolded. “You can do this,” I chided myself. “Get your inner bitch on.”

My email to her acknowledged that I’d overpromised. “You don’t need to run this if it’s not bitchy enough,” I’d written. “I guess I thought I was more of a bitch than I actually am.”

The Wellness Bitch did reject my post, on the grounds of insufficient bitchiness. In some ways, I guess that could be considered a compliment. But as The Queen of Seeing the Negative Side of Everything, I immediately felt like a loser because I wasn’t a big enough bitch.

As fate would have it, The Wellness Bitch has another website, far less bitchy, called and it is there that she wanted to run my Neti Pot post. I really like it there, and now I don’t have to feel bad about my underdeveloped levels of bitchosity.

Best of all, I now have something to aspire to.


  1. Ha! Not bitchy enough. What a strange ironic turn down. And since writing for this blog is tangentially an area of Show Business, I will share something my wife Debrah and I discovered some years ago.
    We realized that Show Business ( you and most of your readers have spent a fair amount of time in and around show biz) is the one place in life where you WISH you'd been a bigger asshole. In all other areas it's the opposite. You wish you'd been a better friend, father, son, daughter, PTA member...but in Showbiz, you wish you had insisted that this or that part of a production be hipper, edgier, funnier, or just plain better. To do that, you would have to have been a bigger asshole. You'd have to complain, throw fits, get people fired, stick your face in everyone else's job. I totally understand why big stars become bitches and assholes like that because they are the ones who are IN the big movie or play that becomes a stinker.
    Your tale of recent rejection reminded me of this truism.

  2. Jessica, if you like, I can coach you. It can take years of training to really get your bitch on, but with serious commitment and disregard for whether or not people like you, I promise, you can one day be as bitchy as I.

    Personal tip for you: I've read that you can get a little bitchy when someone is riding up your ass in traffic and honking at you. At that moment, pull over and grab your pen. You've opened up a vortex into...The Bitch Zone.